Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
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I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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