Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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