Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
