So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
