when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
3pm strippers are depressing
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
