I smell stomach acid.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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