**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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