It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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