after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
