Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
