i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
