the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
