Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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