just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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