My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
