tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
