matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
