bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
