Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
