My friends, they love my intelligence
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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