Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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