we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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