Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Found the puke drawer
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.