I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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