i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
