1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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