so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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