when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
