I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
