I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
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So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize