3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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