My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
