I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize