I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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