In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
