I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
