my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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