Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
