Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
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Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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