oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
