Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
