dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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