so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize