Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
