Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
