My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
