just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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