Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
