Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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