he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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