from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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