Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
