The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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