i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
