Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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