I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
